CHAPTER 1. Pilot.
Assalamualaikom Warahmatullah! Greetings of
Peace!
For starters, I am writing this for myself and for everyone else that
Allah has willed to read this post. I will clean my intention and you should
too. Either you interpret my intention as boasting or inspiring, that will be
your liberty, which I do not have the power to control. But allow me to leave a
reminder, to straighten any sort of suspicion just in case.
“O you who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible), for suspicion
in some cases is a sin: And spy not on each other behind their backs, would any
of you like eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, ye would abhor it…And fear
Allah; For Allah is Oft-returning, Most Merciful” Surah Al-Hujurat, Verse 12.
You are meant to visit, and read this post. I know, such a low blow,
pulling the unfair fatalistic-persuasion-card. Ha! but seriously…stay. I am
about to disclose one of the most important and most challenging journey of my
life, a journey which you may have already guessed given the title of this
post.
Bringing
your open feelings to social media is dangerous and is not recommended. If you
have a nemesis somewhere in this world, stalking you would be a cinch, and I
mean a really brilliant psychotic way of stalking similar to what you see in
thriller dramas. However, there are also times when allowing strangers inside
your thoughts or read your feelings becomes a stimulation to spread awareness,
love and inspiration by pecking their opinions through your message. I am
praying that you will learn something from this journal. Aameen.
---
Darr is a form of Islamic homeschooling
where children and teenagers of the same gender are taught about Qur-an,
Islamic studies and Islamic morals and values by making them live inside one
house together with Ustazaa/Ustaz (teachers) and Ulama (scholars) who are
substitutes of their parents during the entire period of study.Click here to know more about Darr. |
| Bismillahi Maa Shaa Allah to this girl I met in Mecca |
It was summer, and I was around 10 years old
when I was first enrolled in a Darr. I would be lying to everyone if I say that
I was willing the first time I went to one. Honestly, I used to think it was my
mother’s way of getting rid of me because I was the naughtiest child ever born in the history of the clan. FYI, only 89% true.
But I learned to appreciate Darr later on, because first, my mother would buy me almost everything I want to eat when I’m inside (just to bribe me to stay of course) and second, because I get to be friends with really beautiful girls with beautiful hearts, which definitely falls under the descriptions of Paradise. #Surah As-Saaffaat Verse 42 – 48 (Go ahead check these verses out.Teheee)
But I learned to appreciate Darr later on, because first, my mother would buy me almost everything I want to eat when I’m inside (just to bribe me to stay of course) and second, because I get to be friends with really beautiful girls with beautiful hearts, which definitely falls under the descriptions of Paradise. #Surah As-Saaffaat Verse 42 – 48 (Go ahead check these verses out.Teheee)
When I graduated in elementary, I promised my
mother I will become a Hafidha someday and told her that I am willing to enroll into a long-term Darr for 1-2 years to memorize the Qur-an. She was very
delighted by the news, and did not hesitate to enroll me in an institute in Malaysia. She bought me sets of
new clothes, new books, and almost everything I could demand at that materialistic and immature age of mine.
It was a determined plan, smooth process, until my grandmother intervened. Because of her condition worsening, she refused my study abroad. She wanted me to be there just in case things go south. I'm a self-declared good Apo, so I cannot just leave her after hearing that.
My mother withdrew my enrollment. She decided that I am to study in the Philippines while my grandmother is still alive. Alhdamdulillah, she is still alive up to this day.
So I just went on with my secular studies and proceeded to High School just like everybody else in our family.
But here's the thing, I admit my Niyaat at that time wasn’t straight. I just wanted to become a Hafidha for my mother. And that's now how things work. When your Niyaat and Ikhlas are not strong nor sincere, even if you already have all the means laid out in front of you, Allah will see through your insincerity and you will not succeed, even if you do, it's not motivated. You reap nothing. So Niyaat, and Ikhlas. Remember, you need to strengthen them first before anything else.
It was a determined plan, smooth process, until my grandmother intervened. Because of her condition worsening, she refused my study abroad. She wanted me to be there just in case things go south. I'm a self-declared good Apo, so I cannot just leave her after hearing that.
My mother withdrew my enrollment. She decided that I am to study in the Philippines while my grandmother is still alive. Alhdamdulillah, she is still alive up to this day.
So I just went on with my secular studies and proceeded to High School just like everybody else in our family.
But here's the thing, I admit my Niyaat at that time wasn’t straight. I just wanted to become a Hafidha for my mother. And that's now how things work. When your Niyaat and Ikhlas are not strong nor sincere, even if you already have all the means laid out in front of you, Allah will see through your insincerity and you will not succeed, even if you do, it's not motivated. You reap nothing. So Niyaat, and Ikhlas. Remember, you need to strengthen them first before anything else.
{Allah will not call you to account for
thoughtlessness in your oaths, but for the intention in your hearts; and He is
Oft-forgiving, Most Forbearing} Surah Al-Baqara, Verse 225.
My first year in college was eventful and busy but fun. I tried all
sorts of things, from debating, karate, public speaking, ftraditional artistry, international delegation, going abroad, culture advocacy,
bla bla bla. I was also focused on maintaining my scholarship, fulfilling my
dream to become a psychologist, proceed to law school and then finally become a
lawyer. Wohoo!!! Big dreams! Nothing about Madrasah anymore. My extrovert
personality meter was peaking at that year. My mother on the other hand was not entirely happy for my feat. Well, she always supports me, never discourages me, but I know, I
can feel, that deep inside, she was still praying for that promise I forgot to
keep.
Then one day, my mother’s best friend invited us to attend her
daughter’s khatm (which is a ceremony of completion after memorizing the entire
Qur-an) who was also my classmate in elementary. Before my former classmate
even recited the first verse of the Qur-an, my mother and I were suddenly
crying waterfalls that the other guests were a little surprised of our sudden
emotional outburst. The memory when I was a child, reciting Qur-an and was
determined to become a Hafidha dawned on me.
I was crying because I failed my mother. I was crying because I realized
I wasn’t sincere enough. I was crying because the only thing I know I could do
to recompense my mother from all the love and sacrifices she made for me and
that is crowning her in the hereafter, I failed to accomplish. I knew we were both
crying because of the same reason. I knew my mother was also crying because she
was still hoping I would fulfill the promise. I was too.
Later on that night, I went to her room and
talked to her. I told her that I’m willing to stop my college and go back to
memorizing Qur-an again. I thought she would approve immediately upon hearing,
but instead, she wanted me to think of my decision again, and asked me that if
I was doing it just because she wanted to, that if ever I feel forced or just
plain obligated to do so, then I should forget about it and just continue my
college. I understand what she meant, but it still baffled me. I thought she
would take my words and grab that opportunity to enroll me immediately in a
Darr somewhere. She didn’t, and I was left, forced to think of it thoroughly by
myself, my level of sincerity, the consequences of dropping out and how it will
affect my studies, my life and my worldly dreams. Existential crisis indeed.
---
Tawfik is truly a blessing that could happen during an unforeseen moment of your life. It is Allah’s calling upon your soul, helping
and guiding you to the path He has planned for you. You, a person who has
received the blessed reminder, need to realize that you are one of those people
whose heart Allah does not want to let go. So, how can you hesitate and dare to
refuse this Tawfik?
When you embark in this journey, tests are
inevitable and should be expected. In my case, just when I was finally determined
to set aside my secular dreams, scholarship opportunities and offers were suddenly piling up. I was
already being tested at this point without me even realizing. But remember, in
any kinds of test that you may encounter in this life, the easiest way to beat
it effectively is by going back to check your Niyaat, the reason why you are
doing what you are doing in the first place, and check your Ikhlas, the level
of your sincerity and ask yourself how important this endeavor is for you. Is
it strong enough to overpower the challenges hindering your path? Or is it weak
that a simple test can crumble it down to rubbles? Weigh them yourself and be
smart. So that when the blessed reminder, the Tawfik, comes upon you, you will
be able recognize it and you can finally put your mind at ease. Remember, while
you are being given tests and problems, you are also being provided with
answers and solutions. You are guided.
{By way of reminder, and We never are unjust…}
Surah Ash-Shu’araa, Verse 209
It was once again summer and this time I was
seventeen. My mother enrolled me to another Darr, and told me that I have to
figure out what I truly want before semester starts. She was still unconvinced
by my decision and to be honest, I cannot blame her. I am kind of unpredictable
in nature.
I was blaséd at the beginning, mainly because I
have already memorized the first forty pages in my previous Madrasah, so
memorizing the last chapters of the Qur-an which is in first Juz was like a
game of recollection for me. My major challenge then was how to pronounce every
Kalimah (letters) perfectly, or Tajweed and also the meanings, or the Tafsir,
which gradually becomes easier to translate as you go through the verses
because most of them are being mentioned repeatedly from chapters to chapters.
If you have been reading the Qur-an, you know what I mean. According to my
personal experience, the best method to fall in love with this journey,
fall in love with the Qur-an is by not only focusing on memorizing every words,
but also by immersing yourself with their meanings. If you do this, you will
reach a point where the verses will find its way into your heart and will sound
as if those verses are actually meant for you. A beautiful connection with the holy book will be built in your heart. Your mind will take your logicality beyond words. It
will feel like you are being fueled I’m telling you, it is the best
feeling. You will fall asleep happily, wake up happily and really, you’re going
to be just plain contented with everything. Somebody can throw me a frog in the
face and I will still smile at that person. I will probably thank him even and
kiss the frog in the eyeballs if I could. You can literally throw me a calculus
problem, and if I fail, I will probably celebrate as if I actually passed it. I
know. It sounds creepy. But it feels like Hakuna Matata. That is how you will
find your momentum, memorize the Qur-an and its Tafsir. You know by then you’ve
become closer to Allah. Do not let go when you have reached this stage.
I
made up my mind. I was finally in love with what I was doing, and succeeded in
convincing my mother to allow me to stay.
{…And those who are firmly grounded in
knowledge say: “We believe in the Book; the whole of it is from our Lord”. And
none will grasp the Message except men of understanding} Surah Al Imran, verse
7.
T O B E C O N T I N U E D
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